1 year ago Blog56

What I wish I Learned at 5

I have always considered myself a business woman, even before Amazing Fairytale Parties was conceived and created.

I have been working since I was between 8-9 years old.

As a woman, I became aware of the female power in a room as well as the vulnerability women can experience in a room, at a very young age. My body developed young, into quite the voluptuous figure, and by the age of 13, I knew what it felt like to be objectified by men and even by women as a young actress, print model and dancer.

You can imagine the self consciousness that can develop in a young girls mind, day after day, month after month, and year after year, when your body, your looks, and your talent are constantly being judged by strangers, in order to work and get a job.

My self esteem by the time I was 21 was pretty bottomed out and by the time I moved to Los Angeles at age 25, my self esteem was null and void.

I always tell this story of my time in LA when I was called by my manager  to come to her office for an “important meeting”. She sat me down across from her desk, looked me dead in the eyes while smoking a cigarette, and told me I needed to lose weight if I wanted to work.

Boom Just like that. “I hate to tell you Honey but You are FAT. You are beautiful, but you have to lose at least 25 lbs. if you want to work in this town”.

I was 5’3 and weighed 135 lbs, basically the size of every average girl my height.

amazing fairytale parties

The Innocence of Youth

 

Crushing. To say the least. Still burns my ears to this day.

I was 25 years old and very much a business woman with a business mind and I understood the “business” of what she was saying, but, it didn’t change the way it made me feel and what it did to my confidence levels.

I went out the next day and hired TWO personal trainers, and got into the best shape of my life, physically, but my self-confidence was in the worst shape it had ever been and quickly spiraled out of control.

On the outside I was strong. But on the inside, I was a person who began to hate who she saw in the mirror.

This low self image I began to develop each day also did not help in allowing me to learn how to grow to be able to express MY needs in business as well as in my personal life, because I felt powerless.

When you feel powerless, those roots of self doubt can grow inside you like a disease, and mine surely did in the form of Endometriosis, Anger and Self-Hatred.

My self hatred became a part of my every day routine and literally began to cripple me physically and in my social relationships. I became so aware, so acutely conscious of my body, that I didn’t want to even socialize publicly, and spent most of my time in my apartment creating & writing.

It’s amazing how much power we hold right? I’m sure my manager never even considered how that conversation could contribute to shaping the rest of my life and how I viewed myself as a woman, and as a human being.

It’s why today, I am so aware and conscious of my power as a woman, a business owner, and a boss.

A power, that took me a very long time to find again within myself, in fact, it took nearly losing my life to regain it.

I used to be afraid to speak MY TRUTH, because I was afraid of conflict and more so of being rejected.

Now, at 41, that has changed.

powergirlsBy creating my own path with my business, as my business has grown, I have grown as well, into this woman who has learned to ask for What She Needs, Say How She Feels, and Demand Respect without worrying about how I will be viewed.

This type of confidence is something I wish I would have learned to develop at 5 years old as a skill set to carry as I grew older.

When I look in the mirror now, I see a woman who has lived a life full of experiences and the shapes and scars that I see are just the proof that I am ALIVE and Living a Full Life.

I know now that is why  with my business Amazing Fairytale Parties, I feel a responsibility to the children & families, as well as our performers to be the best I can be, as an example to them.

I don’t want to see another little girl growing up in judgement of her own self, and falling into the trap of judgement by others, becoming beliefs she has developed, that may not even be hers.

I want to see a world where little girls look in the mirror and see their beauty based on who they are inside, and what they bring to the table of life as an offering to the world, and I am committed to making that happen each and every day.

 

 

The St. James Experience